recently, i've been through tremendous pain. i was hurt when i was defenseless, trusting that i would never be hurt by that person, but instead could be the one who hurt them. i tried my best to keep them safe that i forgot that me myself needed protection too. i let my guard down too soon. and my trust betrayed me. they didn't really mean to hurt me, i still believe it that way. however, i was just too trusting, naive, and optimistic at that time, and i was putting their well-being over my own that i unknowingly let them hold a very sharp knife against me. the other mistake, which was fatal, was trying to embrace them when neither of us knew about the existence of that knife.
at first, i didnt realize how bad it would become. oxytocin, endorphin, dopamine and whatever these hormones were, took over, overshading my senses. it was all sweet and golden and warm and optimistic.
and then we parted. separated. chose different paths.
it was a short period. too short that i never thought it would leave such an impact on my life. it was like a dream from which you wake up because your body was startled. and i was all wrong, again. maybe it was like that physics formula, when the capacity is too high, you just need a small amount of time to finish the job?
do you know the perilous part of treating a stabbed person is trying to pull the knife out? you have to leave the knife there and wait for a trained professional to handle the rest of the commotion. trying to remove the knife will open the wound the let the blood flow out. the knife causes the wound but it also keeps the person alive from losing blood. how ironic does it sound?
that's a metaphor for me and my relationship. i was stabbed, suddenly, but voluntarily, not knowing the consequences of my decision. the first aid was crappy: the knife was removed right after the attack. luckily, i wasn't killed, but the wound was a considerable one. sadly, further treatment was lousy. i tried to treat myself. and by "treat myself", i mean i just tried to cover my wound with a tacky something i just found and left it there. over time, layers and layers were added on top of the wound, to the point that it was hardly visible and made me believe that it healed.
it never healed. i just deluded myself that it did. it hurts as fuck when the surface of the wound was exposed to barely anything. i do know that to let my wound heal, i must at least acknowledge its existence. but it was also too hard to admit that i was hurt, and they were one of the reasons. i was brought up to be trusting, forgiving and protecting others. i didn't want to say that i made a wrong decision starting that relationship and i truly believe i wasn't wrong to do so. i didn't repent about my decision. but now i have to admit the way i handled the end of that relationship was wrong. i never really acknowledged the great pain my heart'd been through, nor how depressed my mind was. i just left them there, with faith that someday they'll come back strong, kicking and alive as if nothing had ever happened. that's dead wrong. you cant heal anything that's broken to a brand-new state, nor can you tell your mind to stop being sad and sorrow. you must try to get used to these pains. the wound will heal one day, but there'll always be a scar there. you need to learn to embrace the beauty of the scar since it was proof of how much you've grown. but the first stage of having a scar is to let the wound heal. sorry i haven't figured out how to let my wound heal yet, but i hope i will someday. at least i've admitted its existence, so hopefully, it'll be better, right?
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