When I was 5 years old and studied at kindergarten, I always expected to get in elementary school. I forgot a lot of stuffs when I was a child, but this expectation was the only one I have remembered until now. After getting in elementary school, I always thought of life in secondary school. And yes, of course as you guess, this repetition continued when I got in university. This weird expectation might explain that I always had a strong belief in myself because of even being in a new envinronment (aka better future in my opinion), I still worked harder and expectedly looked forward to a better future to come. Hence, I am pretty sure that this circle has stopped for a long time.
Turning 18 was unbelievable, I have been completetly in charge of my decisions, my choices and my life. But things seem impossible for me. Lacking of motivation, scaring of failure and being laughted, avoiding tackling with setbacks, obstacles. Feeling nostalgia all the time about the day I got offer from gifted school without taking an exam, received a schoolarship from Vietnam Institute for Advanced Study in Mathematics at higschool, always got 1st and 2nd prize in Math competitions. I repeatedly look to the past and stay away from the reality.
Someone said to me that if I stayed in the same position for 3 years, I had to look at myself first. Well, I finnally acknowledged that I couldn't moving forward, not even one small step. Hosnestly, thinking of the reasons behind it is a big challenge for me.
So what is the purpose of this post? To be honest, I don't know. If I don't change so what the heck I'm doing? Maybe, just wasting my time doing meaningless stuffs.