Never enough

The other day, I posted a story of me rarely feeling that I was not that bad as a person. And many friends texted saying that I was having too many negative thoughts. But I just cannot stop doing that.

Have you ever got this feeling, that you are nothing compared to others? 

I have. I do. Constantly.

I don't know why, when and how did I first started comparing myself to other people. And I am surely still wondering why that habit of mine keeps getting more and more intense. 

I always try my best to work my ass off just to be "as good as" others, including unknown ones that have no connections to myself or any of my situations that I have been through. It's tough. It's really tough keeping trying and trying but still cannot ever feel that I am happy or enough to deserve something, or someone. Something in the past happened and made me just want to refuse to have the right to enjoy anything good in this world, and to convince myself that I will never be "enough" to do so. I can deal with bad things quite well, either in a positive or negative way, but I got tongue tied all the freaking time whenever there is something good coming to my life. 

For instance, say, I got a good result of some work I was trying so hard, I would never feel extremely happy. I would think that it was just some random good dream that I was lucky enough to have, but if I would dare to smile and or feel happy about that, it would turn into the worst nightmare ever. 

Another example, say, in relationships, especially "love" ones. I always, cannot help but consider myself to be a bad luck of my partner, and that he will be soooooo miserable for having the worst girlfriend in the world like me lol. I am never be as good as the other girls, or even his ex(es), and the best way to "free" him is to let him go, so he can make his way to a better life, with a better person that deserves him. 

I do not want to deny people. I certainly do not, at all, want to keep missing the good things and ones that come to my life. I want to keep them near, keep them close, care for them, stay with them. But I just can't stop myself being such an asshole, rejecting and pushing them all away. Will I ever be able to feel happy? To enjoy every single good thing? To be with anyone? To make them happy?