Going out this early morning, I realise that autumn is almost here.
This is my third Hanoi autumn. Unlike the old ones which were all over and left no specific footprints in my life but a vague memory of the cold breeze blowing through my hair, this year, it is much more special.
I am 21.
Actually my birthday is in summer, the very beginning of "summer" when it is still cool and afternoon showers soon die out after sunset but I always get wet for not having brought my raincoat, most of the time. I still consider this autumn to be something more than thus a time of the year for I myself can feel the changes.
This is the last semester at my university, and it has almost come to the end. It is weird.
It would be so fake saying I feel sad leaving my school, I will just say it is weird not being a student anymore. I can always be a learner, but a student, maybe this is the end because I am not so sure about a "Master" future. This University is my childhood dream. When I grew up being a teenager,  and now a half-adult, what I used to think about university life turns to an unrealistic daydream, but I don't want to say much about this as it is absolutely 100% my choice.
So, there comes a whole new world for me: not having to wake up at 6.30 am, heavily try to keep my eyes not-so-widely open, listen to my name being called out for the attendance check, cram once a month when exams come.
Am I excited? 
No, I am not.
I have been working since I was a freshman and maybe I know how life would be when I am totally a work-er.
But the thing is, the fact that I am no longer a student is just a small twist which exerts the influences on each and every corner of my life.
I now have to "officially" consider my own's independence: financially ( this is okay as I always try to make money, so, it wil not be a great deal, just a big one), emotionally ( this is the scariest thing and it may take a huge amount  of time and tons of effort and a fully equipped army of friends chatting and making video call with me just to make me get familiar with sleeping lone, it's kinda shy admitting this; and what's more, learn how to control my emotion, not to burst into tears for all kind of trivial reasons, which totally turns me into an idiot; and the hardest part: not emotionally rely on another person)...
I know it for sure there are still many things left to consider, but let's move on to what I have already got with me right now, what's in my luggage to start the journey.
Well, I have, absolutely a lot of nothing and a lot of "okay".
I am 21, I have no specific idea about my future, everything is still so vague like fog is covering my eyes leaving me doubting my abilities. What can I do? What is my limitation? What is my ambition?
I do not really know, I just have a long way to go but that is okay.
I am not sure whether I totally understand myself and know who I am or not, but maybe it's simply okay.
When I watched The end of the fucking world, I started to think "oh this is what I like": traveling with an almost stranger, nurturing weird emtions toward each other and turning things into chaos. But life should be much less fictional or else I myself will consider me to be a psycho, no need to wait for others' judgement. I have my comfort zone. The zone sometimes does not necessarily be a "safety zone", I, in fact, have done something crazy before and still felt comfortable. Thinking about a life totally out of control and made of a series of instinctive moves just makes it sound fun and nothing more than "fun".
As I mentioned, I started to work parttime since I was 18: private tutor, teacher, sales, copywriter, interpreter, and even start up. That sounds a lot when I look back, really. But I still consider myself to be kinda inexperienced as new things are out there waiting for me to learn. The more I do, the more positions I try, the more I get lost, somehow.
But again, that is quite okay.
I can make some money, enough for me to live on my own and buy some stuffs and hang out when I want to.
I have a man, who will leave me next year but for now, he is the one who helps me to define my joy and sorrow.
I have my family beside me, not literally "beside" as I am here in this city alone, but they do give me a huge amount of moral support (and monetary if I ask for). Sometimes I cannot tell them everything happening in my life, my new choices, my struggles, but just a call from them can soothe my soul and that's enough for me.
I have some friends who are always ready to listen to all my complaints and try to understand my complex emotions.
All of those things truly build up my own little world. 
Am I afraid? Yes I am. For how naive and inexperienced I am right now, of course I am so nervous. What if I get lost? What if I fail? What if I end up no where and turn out to be an useless burden?
I am already 21.
But I am just 21.
Let the positive vibe blow things away just as the chilling wind is lazily blowing out there. It is autumn.
P.s: - Sorry if I made any annoying grammatical mistakes, I hate them too.
      - I don't like the word "fall", it makes things sound sadder, and autumn with the yellowish tone covering everything is sad itself, no need for more "filters".