It's less then 20 days to 2025 and I'm sitting a cafe in Hoi An, outside is raining heavily and my heart is ached...
I started the year low with a rejection on the 1st day and the drama on the first week and I pray I will never be heartache again. But looks like I'm going through another major one just a few days left to new year.
I know it has been my choice all along, I choose to be with him as a friend despite having a big fat crush on him, I choose to keep him in my life even though I don't see it's going anywhere further than a platonic relationship, I choose to let him hurt my feelings (as I was expecting too much). So it was all my choice, all the way. I hate that I like him so much I choose to be with him and hope for the miracle to happen, I like him so much that I cannot accept the fact that he's been so straightforward since beginning with his intention. I know he values this friendship, he treats me well and surprise me on my day, and that just makes me fall for him more and more.
And I will see him again in a week, we plan to meet but all falling apart last week when we had a bit of conflict. And now I'm here, wondering what have I done to have to go through all of this again and again? When this cycle gonna end? Will I ever have my happy ending? I don't even know. I want to think its gonna come soon. But 4 fucking years have passed and all these times, I haven't met the one yet. I used to think I can keep this one alongside in my life for a long while even if we're just friends. But realising how much heartache I have with him (not his fault), I am getting myself ready for a goodbye (not again:( ). I don't even know how to do it? write him a letter? tell him direct? Have a great time and tell him I don't want to see him again as Im too afraid Im gonna love him one day? This is scary. But I have to do it afraid. I will see him soon, and imagine how hurtful it is to know that this would be the last time :( Think im gonna cry, and Im gonna crushed so bad when I come home. But what else I can do, I just want to be happy, simple as that, but not so simple :( Dec 11, 24
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