I don't even want to write this in the first place.
And I don't even want to do it publicly... There is a face to keep.
However... Maybe I'll just gonna leave it here,  in hope of that one can't actually see it, read it, know it (or perhaps she already knew) and actually start doing something about it, either for the better or worse.
Guys- like... in the meaning of boys, men, whatever- have you ever thought of how weird it is? When the whole world can just turn upside down, lighten up, or darken just because of... her. Your special one, I mean.
I've found her... Or I think I have. We met each other... No, wait, we never actually met before. Ever. You can just tweak the lyrics of "You're beautiful" by Mr. Blunt to "I saw her face, on a Facebook page", and that is the best way of describing how we knew each other in the first place.
Well, men, of course one of the first impression of  a guy on a girl is her appearance. She is beautiful, no shadow of a doubt (Ha, so that song is actually appropriate), but it is not what captured my attention... It was reminiscene that did. She remind me of someone, the one I'm not even truly proud of to say "the love of my life" after all those years. 
Ladies, call me a jack-ass if you want to after reading that, because of all that "Aw my gawd, you are still in love with an ex and you want to move on with someone that remind you of her" etc. But an impression is an impression, and the truth is the truth. I'm a nostlgic one, I live in the past, yes. And as I said, that was just the first impression.
Did my best, gathered all my... bravery? Just roll with that one then. Ok, used all my bravery to break the ice. We were in the same community, a small one, so making new friends, catching up with each other when you actually belong to something together is not totally... awkward at all, I guess.
Small talks, led to nowhere, or nothing at all. Some of the other ideas we can see about her and her surroundings- like favorite topics or how she reacted/ expressed opinions- were outstanding, different, savage even. Loved it! I liked her as a person more as time goes by. Still, all the talkings about whatever it was, led to nothing. 
Then one day, couple of weeks ago, didn't even know why or how it came up to me (probably from some of her pictures, but you get the point), I made a joke, which was subtlely a compliment on how great she looked. Not my best joke/ compliment in my whole so-far life, not even the reaction I had expected to receive (but it was still funny in a way)... Then something incredible happened. We spent the whole night, literally, sharing about everything- or as much as "everything" stands for in this case- about ourselves... Hardship in life, childhood dreams, vision of what-where-who we will be, especially about all those hobbies and opinions about them that were so synced up that I didn't even want to believe such harmony exists.
It was like seeing little old me in her. She is younger than me, but everything she shared showed... She is like a female counterpart of me back then, even now. And I don't feel lonely anymore. Such loneliness that was kept, endured all these time-snap- is just gone... I always lived in my own world, imaginary worlds even, did things in my own ways. I still do. Now there is another one- a beautiful, sweet, talented, thoughtful, even intelligent and humble girl but she do know how to stand for herself. 
Perfection? No, there isn't such a thing... But only this once, let me consider this is the perfect one.
The funny thing is... From that day on, more and more of conversations like that, or just small talks but actually meaningful appeared... We connected more and more, day by day... Love every single moment and line when that happened. 
And somehow, she was always there when I really needed it... When I was down, disappointed, have a hard time to stand my ground fighting in this cynnical world.
But... This is still a cynnical world. 
And I knew from the start... She is in a relationship, one that I can see she actually respects, enjoys even.
A man with many broken-hearted cases because of lies and betrayals, not ruining another relationship is a virtue I decided to take up with. That is a chivalry of a civilized man, or at least I think it is. Evil thing as such, lesser or greater, is a choice I rather not make, as I learned from another man.
All this time, I prevent myself from slipping out those words.
And it leaves me battered.
Also, the distance between us, both in actual distance of location and age is one helluva barrier... Not that I mind it, but of course there are things to consider, especially at my age. She just getting started to step in this cruel reality- I'm building up something for the future... Love aside, there are many aspects to make a relationship works.
"It's not always rainbow and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along", that was a great song eh?
And again, stepping back is a chocie to make, for the better of her, and the greater good for me. 
There were times I tried to avoid her, keep it silent... 
And there were times I could not... 
You know what is worse than loneliness? Having someone beside you, and you still feel lonely in your mind. I don't want to be lonely in my mind anymore. I've been having that for years.
She could do that... We share the same mind, at least from what has been going on.
And again, as I said, she always appears at the right moment. And conversations keep going on and on... Never enough. And there were times I acted as the "guiding light" to her problems, keep my problem to myself, and showed her the way... To be protective, to be a man she could need when there is trouble, or even in time of joy (I actually said that, just find me whenever you have any matter at all).
Should just stop writing here.
This is not my face, this is not my name (at all)... But this is my heart and my mind speaking.
"You are my world."
And probably... "And you will never ever know".
But, I...
 I L...
Just leave it there then.