It feels angelic, or heavenly?
She doesn't know. She just felt it into her core, when lying on the right in the yoga session, couldn't focus on the breath but tried to open her eyes, bit by bit saw a heavenly/angelic seeing. The villas in classic European style, the couldn't-name “clouds” that magically and unceasingly changed from one color to another. And the trees. And the crystal-into-purple sky.
Then she thought and talked to herself in thy thought
“such a heavenly seeing a human being can contemplate.”
She didn't know whether she loved, or was afraid of that feeling. Maybe in her own comfort zone, maybe in her room in Hanoi, maybe in yoga time, maybe in the middle of some readings, but, mostly, in the clear blue water.
It's so real and surreal at the same time. Everything just became one - but what that one was, she never was so sure. What she was sure of is, everything including herself just vanished, especially when her head was in the water with the rest of her body. Sounds sounded so unreal, like echoes from just another world. Or galaxy. Or cosmos, etc.
It was so scary as nothing nor no one could be with her, so any-thing-could-happen.
But part of that reason was the other one: it was so pleasing, even peaceful and satisfying when she didn’t have to feel any-thing-or-one.
In the end, she thought, wasn’t everyone just a cosmos of himself? Even when people fucked, loved, or anything made them believe that they “became one”; they were just, simply, never.
Never.
And she continued to sink herself into both: the soothing water that day by day made her love it just too much, and the unique, lonesome, unshareable thoughts.
She didn’t know what it was.
She doesn’t know what it is.
She might never know a thing about IT.
But she knows, always, like an axiom, that she loves it, and it soothes the hurt.
& the pain.
Saigon, 2018.