* Tớ xin lỗi vì viết bằng tiếng anh* 
So I just finished my first term in the university - I am just young and green. I was doing blogs, preparing necessary skills eg. photoshop, French etc.
I thought my found my core values. Since there will always be someone better than me, I'd better compete with myself, learn as if I know nothing, and wait for my destiny career.
But I was soon drifted into A RACE. The race of getting financial related work experiences, competitions, applying for short internships (3-4 rounds), going to banking events, checking LinkedIN and emails more than Facebook. Even so, 1.5 months into university, I was struck by the transformation in my mindset, my ambitions, and perhaps my future.
Just as you can overhaul your breath in mindfulness, I was fully aware of being drawn into this race.
1.5 months into uni: Let's learn! So I get a position in a newspaper committee, involve in an economics society, elected for a representative position, go to concerts and open lectures, write newspapers, go to lectures, read self help books, read religions and AI (that is the obsessing question), another academic journal and .... Finances?*
I thought I would eternally follow do so, until the point I need to CHOOSE. When I am expected to write 'working in a financial sector is my long term future, hence an opportunity in your bank XYZ..' in my CV. And throw away everything I believe about academia. And instead of reading what thing comes in my mind after waking up, I read financial news.
I know I can't be indecisive anymore. What should I choose?
Although wise words say following what you are passionate, then everything is sorted. And be rational as well!
But this time, my rationality and passion put me in perplexity.
I am not certain that I am passionate about financial work - the way that Steve Jobs are passionate about his Apple. Like others, I am curious about the world, I like challenging and customer-focused workplace, and I love understanding about human and interdisciplinary. But I need a job with satisfied salary. An international student like me, in a way impelling my parents to pay a sufficiently large amount of money to study abroad, and the dignity I was taught, having no jobs frankly is my fault and my incompetence. Having high earning job is the evidence of me striving for better - because that is what we here for. So finance jobs, with all the terms listed above, seems like the one and only answer.
My dad's philosophy of nearly 50 years of life is as groundbreaking: 'There is no such thing as passion. You will love it the more you do it'. When passion is an artefact, it is such pointless and misleading to seek for it.
Or I purely misunderstand myself. Because financial world is just a silos ('self-contained realms of activity and knowledge that only the experts in that silo can truly understand' (Tett 2009: xiv)), I will love it as soon as I am 'in' it. But because it is a silos, and it demands a great effort to 'get in', I feel the urge of deciding it now.
And when passion is worshipped for its ultimate power, I will be a coward and idiot not knowing what I am passionate about, and worse, working towards a job in a financial market for the "thirst of money" whilst thinking I am doing good for community.
I feel I am stupid. If I am stupid, there is no point applying for Banking because I will never get in, and should reside those vacancies to the people, who deserve it (core values). Again, 'passion will sort it out for you' = 'even if you are stupid, you will get the job'
Like a chemical reactions with 2 components in the left side (passion, IQ) and the other component in the right side (financial jobs), my chemical reaction for finance will never happen. ZERO POSSIBILITY.
Do I purely misunderstand finances (and consulting), that in reality, passion for wealth is the passion for the world of finance. But what is good about passion for wealth anyway?
Vietnamese ancestor also has a idiom: 'Wear Kasaya (monk's robe) whilst going with gods, wear paper clothes whilst going with ghost'. Machiavelli proudly says 'Be like a lion, like a fox'. In order to protect their ends, people are willing to do everything, includes hiding their uncertainty and following everyone's line to "survive". Even the wisest one. And I do not blame them.
Because one of the answer for my dilemma is their way as well.
Financial careers need you to be competitive. I can be competitive but it feels restrained to compete with a standard- someone else.
Yesterday, the prospect of volunteering in a research institute, which focus on asking big questions on AI and technology, my heart nearly jumped out my chest. And my gut keeps telling me that I am not ready for financial world yet.
But I don't trust my gut anymore.
But the reality never changes - that I need to secure a job after university and every knowledge is essential. Even the knowledge of being a fool and misled by society.
If the financial service does not tolerant a kind of person like me - rationally indecisive (and not good enough), I am fine if they reject me for their short internship this Spring. I am fine if I won't be accepted to financial jobs next year, or the year after.
I will not make 'not knowing' as a guilt. I will keep learning, improve myself, read about financial news, ask people, get real experiences, revise tests for internship application (it actually ameliorates my intelligence), and keep my emotions numb.
Until I sort you help me sorting this dilemma out.
P/s: My family and your family is a source of experiences.
Thank you for reading and let me share my story, and sorry for grammatical and wording mistakes,