Today, I feel like writing, but not in Vietnamese as usual. I guess, sometimes, English seems to be the more appropriate tongue. Or perhaps, it's because I'm just writing for the sake of writing, not for being read.
These days has been a tough fight between me and my loneliness. I have been really struggling with the fact that I have to spend a lot of time just by myself, with no one around at all. Though it's by choice, consciously.
Having this much free time just all alone is as scary as it could be. For the first time, I find myself face to face with all the pains and fears coming from deep within. Sometimes, they snapped out of nowhere for there were these random triggers. An old melody from a distant past, a canopy on the other side of the street, another couple hand in hand, ...
Just randomly, my heart would sink a bit. Just randomly, some tears would drop. Just randomly, this overwhelming feeling of loneliness surfaced and resurfaced, leaving me gasping for air, every single time.
As I look around, it's so hard to shake the feeling that I am the most lonesome being walking on earth. Doing everything alone, trying not to touch my phone, I feel this real disconnection from the rest of the world.
But I guess I'm really stubborn, not allowing myself to succumb to this strong yearn for companion, for comfort from some other. I want to stop being a beggar, a beggar for attention and mercy from the outside world. This is me in training for a future, standing firm on my own feet, in my own space.
I read the other day that "If one never gets abandoned, one'll never know how vulnerable one is." It hit me like a bang in the head. Yeah, so this is the feeling, getting to the core of your vulnerability, letting it show its full form and seeing it for what it is. Then hopefully get over it, or rather learn to live with it.
From deep down inside, I know it's another humbling experience. It's a crucial life lesson I have no choice but to learn. The lesson to overcome this inborn fear of abandonment, this "almost toxic" co-dependency on others, and this destabilizing sense of anxiety over being alone.
I also understand it's hard for now, but if I could just hang in there, I will gradually get used to it and come out as a little more established, a little more stable, a little more self-reliant. Just a little bit more is enough.
Of course, I am learning to be alone, not really to be alone, but to be alright whether or not I'm alone or with others. It's a lesson I may have to learn over the rest of my life. But I know it's worth learning and will help to build a stronger sense of identity for me, to become who I can be and choose to be in this world.
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