From the place of certainty, and limitless potential, here I am, once again finding myself walking in the fog full of uncertainty and lack of sense of direction. The thought of others moving ahead with speed worsens my living-under-my-potential state. Fear and self-doubt come without me even trying.
Life leads me instead of me leading my life. What an irony it is being on my autopilot mode where I fool myself that I am sustaining my corporate life and that I am being on track - but where to?
To the place where I have never been myself, from sleepless nights to depress mornings, from relationship to relationship, from one resentment to the other, until I exhausted myself with the loneliness I created myself, for not letting my true self be seen - the persona now becomes the new self and the shadow is stuck to the point that the throat chakra becomes numb.
Living up to people's fantasies is easy as I get all the attention I craved. Being loved when I am all that people expect of me is way too easy, but the question is whether the dynamics change if I go against their wishes.
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Guillaume Galtier
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Blessed that it is still not too late to start figuring out a more sustainable path. Imagined me in my middle-life (40s,50s) identity crisis being stuck on the track that drains my energy, to sustain an inflated lifestyle, or be in a relationship with shiny things I have never truly treasured.
It is probably too late to take back piece by piece of the true self I have lost. No one is to blame here, it is just me giving the external world the responsibility to make me happy.
Without all the titles, achievements, and praises, I hope that I keep my sanity to realize that I am whole regardless.
So here comes the 2023 resolution - figuring out what truly matters.
"If your success is not your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart then it is not success at all." - Anna Quindlen
So whatever you mean by success, I hope you always live wholeheartedly and fully with that choice, and if one day that choice no longer brings you joy - take the courage to let go of the delusion and create your new reality. Learn, unlearn, and relearn. Anything new is risky and sometimes scary, but what is riskier than sticking with a familiar choice that no longer serves you to lead the life you want or to the version you strive to?
Being at peace with yourself is the sign that you are heading on the right path - without harboring any resentment toward others or yourself. The moral of the story: let's not forget to search for what really matters until it’s too late.
Cheers to the very first step toward my true self from the darkness of helplessness.
Thinking_Out_Loud