(Perfect - part 2) The reality

Part 4- committed suicide.

 Months passed, and there comes the day that I decided that is the day that I will commit suicide. I decided that I won’t write any letters or testament. Then, I find the sleeping pillbox that I have prepare a long time ago. I laid on my bed, prayed for the last time and apologized to God. I took out 10 sleeping pills or so. I looked at it for a while, at that time, I started to suspect about my decision. But the temptation of the death is too strong that I shut my eyes and swallow it all before I can change my decision. A reckless decision. All the memories started to run across my mind, and slowly… I passed out.

The next thing I knew was I was in heaven. I still can’t believe that I can go to Heaven, I supposed to go to Hell? At that time, I was laying on a bed, a beautiful bed I’ve ever seen. A king-size bed laying on a giant cloud, that cloud is so big that I can’t even see the horizon line.

Standing near my bed is an angel, it looks like a female angel. She has a pair of wings on her back, and she looks dazzling. I used the word “look like” because her face looks genderless. When I am still busy watching her, the angel seems to notice that I’m already awake. Seeing me bewildered, she smiled and turned back to me. Look directly into my eyes. At the moment our eyes met, I could clearly see the sincerity in the angel's eyes. A pair of crystal blue eyes, glittering like the stars and as deep as the calm sea. Those eyes had a little bit of aristocratic sound in them, it gave me a sense of peace I had never felt. Her eyes shone with the seriousness with a hint of kindness, as if it knew how to speak... As I was still engrossed in those beautiful, picture-like eyes, the angel spoke:

-Hello, my little princess. I’m your bodyguard, and I’m a female angel. My name is Charlotte, Charlotte S. Grecia. And yes, an angel has a name. End of the introduction, if you have anything you want to know about me, later when you return to Earth you can ask me there. And you can call me Charlotte and may I call you Natalie?

I was too stunned to speak that I stay silent. I still cannot believe what I just heard, I met an angel and she said that she is my bodyguard. It’s like a dream come true. And Charlotte didn’t let me open my mouth, she continues.

-First of all, I want to thank you because even when you are broken inside, you always make peoples feel good. Even when you are at your lowest, you always make other people know that they are perfect and gorgeous. And thank you because you didn’t bring negativity to people around you, and thank you because you always try your best to be a “perfect princess”. However, I cannot let you die yet, you still have things to do, you still have people to care about. I know it is really hard and tired, but I will always be here for you. When you want to talk about your feeling or thoughts that you can’t share with anyone, just call me by my name, I will be there for you. I will always be by your side, it’s okay not to be fine. You are not God, even God has sadness. If you are sad, just cry. If you are angry, just let it go, don’t pretend that you are okay. And one last thing, you don’t have to try so hard to be a “perfect princess from every side”, no one is perfect in every way. Everyone is perfect the way they are, you don’t have to try so hard, just be yourself. That is the most important thing, my dear.

I remember every single word I heard. Those words are the first motivation in my whole life long. My heart throbbed, I don’t want to wake up again, I want to stay with this angel forever. She brings me the feeling that I never had before, the feelings when you knew that you are safe, the feeling you have when you got protected by your loved one. I tried very hard not to let my tears roll down, but I can’t, my tears began to drop down on the bed. I busted into tears, the angel looked at me and hug me tight. She hugged me as if she won’t ever let me go. “Natalie, from now on, if you want to cry, just cry. If you want to do anything, just do it. Don’t be scared of the judgement of other people. Your happiness matter more than any of those things.”

I cried even harder when I heard those things, it feels like she is really care about me, it feels like she really knew about me. Then, the angel wiped off my tears and told me that when I’m with her, I can be myself, I don’t have to pretend that I’m fine, I can put my title and responsibility aside. The angel looked at me and smile kindly, she said

-Now, my lady, do you want a little conversation before waking up?

She said a “conversation” but that is her monologue, when I remember this, I just busted out laughing. That angel didn’t let me answer and began to monologue again. It isn’t a conversation, it like a speech, she gave me a speech that it gave me laughter. When I’m with her, I can feel like I can be myself.

She stopped a little bit and smiled. Her smile shines brightly, I just fell in love with that. Then she asked me if I want to play a board game with her. I feel shocked, half because I didn’t know what is a “board game”, half because an angel just asked to play the game with her? Seeing me confusing, Charlotte explained to me what is a “board game” and what is a “gamble”. When I finally understand, she and I took a set of games and began to play. Can you believe that? A “perfect princess” gambling? Haha, but gambling is really fun, trust me.  After for like 10 sets or so, the angel finally said

Then, Charlotte picked me up and. Stop right there, you think that Charlotte will return me down kindly? No, my dear, she threw me back to my own body. Yes, throw, really hard. And then after that “roller-coaster”, I woke up, I was back to my body. But I felt a little bit disappointed, I want to stay with the angel up in Heaven. But I still have work to do, so I have to return to this Hell on Earth. I tried hard not to roll my eyes as the first thing I did when I woke up from suicide.

I looked around, everyone seems to be really surprised and cheerful. My parents immediately hugged me, they hugged me tight enough to make me dead again. Every doctor standing there looked very shocked, later, they told me that at that time I had been dead for 10 minutes. I – again, tried really hard not to roll my eyes and push my parents away.

After 30 minutes of visiting-sick-people-hour, all of the maids and doctors had gone, and my parents? They left right after that tight hug, they pleaded that they have a lot of work waiting for them ahead. Yes, they said they love me but they leave their just-woke up-from-the-death daughter alone because they have tons of work. But thanks goodness that they had left, right at the moment that my door just closed. I call the angel name, I was like “CHARLOTTEEEEEEEE!!!” But don’t worry, other people won’t hear it, because if they can’t see angels, they can’t hear their name too.

And, as she promised, she came down on Earth and roll her eyes at me. But let me tell you something, her clothes are really funny. She wore a maid uniform, not elegant like my maid, she looked so adorable.

From that moment and after, whenever I felt downhearted or disappointed, I just call her by her name. Thank God that he sent me a cute angel to be my guardian.