I'm a good girl with a twisted soul.

So yeah, I'm a good girl or at least I was but that's not everything. Everyone got flaws and a darker side of self. I'm no exception. Saying that I have a twisted soul might be too harsh, but I couldn't come up with a better phrase and at this moment, when I write these things, I think I deserve it. 

I don't smoke and I'm not an alcoholic either but I do have an addiction. I didn't admit it until recently. I'M ADDICTED TO A FEELING. I couldn't describe how that feeling is like clearly, I don't want to either so just accept it as it is. 

Feeling is caused by external factors and the kind of feeling I long for must be given by another person. The good thing is, in order to get that, I must be nice to people or at least that's how I did. But, human is a complex creature. If you are an alcoholic, you just need yourself and some bottles of wine, if you love weed and the illusion, the feeling it brings to you, weed and some other things that improve your experience (snacks, music, chewing-gum,...) can help. But anything with the involvement of people, it couldn't be simple anymore. 

I've said I was nice to people for a purpose, that's true, but of course, I do care for them, for people around me. It's hard to escape from reciprocity rule, isn't it? I might approach them for a purpose but by time, our feelings towards each other grows naturally and it's not always planned or calculated. They give me the feeling I want, I give them back my time, my kindness, a win-win deal. 

Everything seems to be good but we forgot an important thing, SCARCITY. Human is greedy however resources are limited. I don't have enough time for everyone, I can't give everything to someone, what I can give is limited of course. Have I said human is complicated? I always try to control the situation, control what I do, what I say so that we both got an win-win deal. Unfortunately, I cannot control what people think and feel over my act. Each perceives and interprets my act in a different way. I know what is the limit of what I can give them but they don't, or maybe they do but they still expect more. And that's when everything falls apart or even if it's not, people will still get hurt, for a while. When they do, I do too 'cause I pulled them in in the first place. The funny thing is, they never blame me. I've calculated so they couldn't blame me, they can only blame themselves for letting their expectations go wild. However, I couldn't prevent myself from feeling guilty and sad. That's the price of being a not too nice but not so bad girl.

Sometimes I think I should stop interfering people' life. I will warmly welcome those who mind enough to open the door and get into mine but I guess I shouldn't get out of my place and make people holding on to false hope, I know all too well how that feel. In that case, at least I won't feel guilty that much because they choose to step into my zone first, they should be aware of the risks and take responsibility for that, not me. As if I could stop. Addiction can't be got rid of that easily huh :)