Today, my mom called me a burden. She always knows the worst things to say in the right moment, isn't that amazing? Throughout my life, I have always been made to feel like I'm not enough for her, for my family, for anyone.

If you ask me what is the most luxurious thing in this world, I would say unconditional love from a mother. I say that because I've always felt like it's out of my reach. I have a tattoo that says "enough as I am". It is the only constant reminder that I am worth living this life. 

Sometimes, I feel like a part-time orphan. At least emotionally. My mom was never there for me when I needed her the most, at least not in the way I needed her to be.

I'm not sure if she is right all along, that I'm nothing but selfish b****. But whatever I do, it's never enough for her. 

She told me today that she was stuck with me just because she had given birth to me. That's her exact words. I still wonder how can a mother decide to give birth and then later on tell her child this. It's beyond me.

Do you know what it feels like to be rejected by your own mother? It feels like you shouldn't be here, you are not supposed to be here, you are not welcomed, your existence is not welcomed. That is the kind of feeling. How ironic, don't you think? Your right to life is rejected by the very same person who brought you to life.

This feeling of rejection by your own root, it's one of the most horrible feelings a human may have to feel. It feels so horrible I wish no one else but me would have to experience it. But sadly a lot of us do.

Forever, I know I will be stuck with this issue of attachment. Or rather I'm afraid so. I listen to a lot of Buddha's teaching and learn to let go but it's not that easy. I can tell you.

My therapist told me I should learn to stop feeling guilty for being who I am. I have tried and tried, but every step I took forward, I would be pushed back a thousand steps by my mom's harsh words. And I'm tired. Who wouldn't be?

Sorry to make you read this. I'm in the middle of my own storm, physically and mentally. I am writing to save myself. To release myself. I know it's a dark world that I'm seeing but I had to see it clearly for myself because I have been a part of it for so long. The only way to get out of it is to see through it. This is my way out. 

I hope these negative energy is not spread to you the readers. Please think of it is something ugly used to serve a beautiful purpose, the down before the up time, there are things like that in this world. How should we call it Beautiful Pain? I don't know. 

I guess I just want to write. I miss writing. It's true you only miss things when you don't have them, anymore. Thank you for being there, for reading what I have to write. I'm glad I only write when I have something to write. I write myself. I write for myself. I write about myself. 

And I'm thankful for that ability to write. Because if I can't write, my pains will be more unbearable than they already are. When you are down with both physical and mental pains, writing can be a great way out. So whoever you are, if you do have some pains, maybe more significant than mine, I hope you can also write. It really helps...