It's been a while since I wrote something on Spiderum. I had a extremely tough day yesterday, after a long sleep, the feeling was still stuck in my throat and I can't seem to have a smile. So I guess I need to write something out, as a way of release. Yesterday was supposed to be the great day since it's my first pay day in this company. I have started with them since end of Feb and they pay twice a month so 15 and 31 are their pay day. I've been waiting for this day for 2 months and a half as I quit my previous job on the last day of 2022. I left the city end of Jan to move to another city which I call my second home. My goal is to start fresh but finish strong, I want to build a life here, saying life I mean a healthy abundant successful happy life. I have imagined myself reaching the end of 2023 will be richer, happier, and especially not a loner anymore. And now, at the very first stage of the plan, I nearly broke down. I was broke with very little money left in my pocket, my potential romantic partner kinda gosting me after the first date? (not sure if it was considered a date, he was a friend so I guessed it was a one-sided feeling from me). And lastly, I am overwhelmed with my current job. This job was introduced to me by a friend, she is a really nice friend and keep encoraging me to do because she believes I can do well. The first week was fine, I started to get used to the working pace, learned a lot of new things, sorted out a few issues at work and got the job done. I kinda enjoyed it at first. However, I still feel that this job is too overwhelming for me. Sometimes, I don't even understand what people say in the group. Sometimes, I feel lost and not knowing which direction I am taking. Sometimes, when my supervisor gives me a hard time, I instantly think about quitting. Like yesterday, I made a rockie mistake but it was quite serious, luckily it got sorted out, however, I had to endure an 1 hour unpleasant talk from my sup. Though I very much understood that it was my fault and she just wanted me to learn from this, I found it very difficult to digest all the words she said and all I thought at that time was quitting. Then I have to calm myself down, thinking that this job is paying me well, it is just a start, I am gonna learn from this. I will leave when I get fired, I will never quit,ect. I tried to calm myself down as much as I could, still covered all the tasks as normal. But deep down inside, I still feel that I was hurt, I was hurt really bad and it's going to take time to heal. I received my paycheck today, paying all the loans, pampering myself with good food and spa time. But still, it was in my head all the time and it seemed to enjoy being there so much that it decided to stay there longer. There is no way around for me other than trying to boost myself to forward, for not giving up and for keep trying until I get what I want. I have a lot of things in my to do list, I want to take my parents to some nice and fancy hotel in Hoi An or Hue, I want to spend my birthday this year at the Olivia Prime Steak, where I had a chance to eat once and I still remember that was the best steak I have ever had. I want to have a getaway at Tia Wellness. I want to learn Chinese. I want to have a solid financial foundation so that by the end of this year or early next year, I can start planning something. Tourism is still my passion, I love travelling, I love it when tourists have a great time in my country and thank me for arranging them the best vacation, I love hanging out with my colleague friends, I love team building. So I think I will eventually come back to my passion sooner or later. At a different stage of life, I have different plans and I believe the plan I am having now is the most suitable for me at this stage. So, no matter what, I will have to follow that plan until I think I need to change or the situation is getting worse. I don't think I can handle 2 more talks like yesterday, 1, maybe, but definitely not 2. If there is a third time, it's a sign that it is really not for me. About the friend who I crush on, he is kinda in the middle and I don't really understand what he has in mind. Does he like me, does he not? Should I reach out, should I not? Is it ok for me to initiate the 2nd date? or should I just give up? A lot of questions on my mind. I am no longer at the age of having to play ego games to start a relationship. To be honest, if somebody does it to me, I will consider it as a red flag. I've rather have a genuine healthy relationship where 2 people can be real and authentic to each other. No games, no lies, no ego involved. Is it to hard to have something like this? I am still looking for one. After this one, maybe or maybe not will I contact that guy. But I just want to write that out to really understand how I truly feel. Then my intuition will guide me to the next step. Sometimes, despite how hard I try to keep myself positive, I have to wonder, why is everything so hard for me? why I keep failing? why I keep making wrong decision? why is it so difficult to be in love with someone? What's the matter with me? Did I do something wrong? I just hope it's getting easier for me at least for the next few months, as my mental health is not really stable and solid at the moment and I'd rather not having another big issue. Please! Whenever I have a really hard time, I talk to my late grandma, I wish she can hear me and protect me as when she's still with me. And every single time I did that, I trusted that I was saved from the problem. Something came up and fixed it from getting worse. I missed her. And I am greatful to have her protection and guidance. Bà ơi, bà phù hộ và che chở cho con bà nhé! I am down for a nap now. Will have to prepare dinner and start working. 2 more days till the weekend. Way to go. I can do it. Look at your goal and realize it. Don't give up when I have gone this far. Keep moving forward and you will see it comes to fruition.