Sometimes I can’t understand myself. I don’t want to be lonely but I’m annoyed with everyone around me. I use Tinder to make new friends but I get bored of texting to them. It’s not because they are boring, but because I just want to be alone and don’t want to talk.
I think I have a serious problem with commitment so that I’m afraid of getting attached to people. I even hate the feeling of belonging to a group. I’m tired of trying to connect people, care about them, ask for their opinions.
Being alone I can do whatever I want. I don’t have to give a damn to anyone.
I want to be free, completely free!!! So that I don’t have to consider if anyone is unhappy with my decision. No one pulls me back when I want to leave. No one annoys me in the early morning when I do my daily writing. I won’t have to clean some one’s shit and give no complaint just because I get sick of talking to them.
It leads to another serious problem. Although I’m okay with having no boyfriend at the moment, I feel that I will have a hard time to get one in the future.
First, the commitment issue. Second, the careless and tiredness of sharing and learning a new person. Usually, I can only maintain my patience for the first 2 days. Then I will suddenly get bored, don’t want to talk and screw up everything.
Want a boyfriend AND to be alone at the same time? I’m so ridiculous!