It's been almost two years since I last wrote something this length.
After writing the first sentence, I got an unintended urge to click on my spiderum profile and view my latest piece on this on this platform. And to my surprise, last time, I also have the same thought process writing something like this. Yes, it's been long since I've found the need to write something this long again, and of course, in English too. Maybe work and other interests (which are, in fact, brainrotting content) have shortened my concentration span, and thus led to me being apathetic to my own need to express myself.
So, here I am, stealing working hours from my employer to write this.
To be honest, writing has been somewhat of a burden to me. Don't get me wrong. Writing itself never bores me or makes me feel uncomfortable, but the it's the fact that I take to much time to come up with words and expressions that can describe my true feelings that discourages me from writing. But who cares? Maybe this post will have no more than 40 views, which is even less than the number of students in my university class, so what can be worse? I used to work a job where writing is required, and my salary was even based on how much I wrote (sounds like a 18&19-century writers' job lol) so I myself had unconsciously thought of words as burden and responsibility. It's not.
At the end of the day, I, shamelessly, turned to writing as a form of salvations. I'm lost and filled with anger. I don't know where I will go or how the hell I ended up at this point of my life. Everything seem like a calm mess. It is calm, because so far I still managed to act unfazed. It is a mess because everything just got intertwined to the point I don't know from which knot to detangle. Oh, shit!
Peer pressure at the age of 27 is different from that in early 20s. I no longer get jealous or have the FOMO when my friends achieved glamorous one of a kind recognition, knowing that I'm just an ordinary person in this world. But at the same time, I also got scared because other "ordinary people" who were just like me before turned out to be late bloomers and get to places. This reality struck me in the head, making wonder whether I'm a faulty product or I'm just an even-later-bloomer? My life is just continuing without a navigated itinerary. My ship is afloat! Good thing it's not sinking. Not-good thing it's not really going anywhere. I'm still figuring this out.
And I also hate that peer pressure doesn't only get to me, but also to my parents, on matters that can and only can affect me myself. My parents still kept their cool and respected my boundaries to not mention or overask me on my love life. However, I can sensed that they are so nervous I never mentioned any other relationships. Actually there's only another one that made it to the girls' group chat, but only after it completely ended, so I don't think it was that much and official to tell my parents. My parents, especially mom, is overly skeptical of my relationships. She's always afraid that I'm not to the man's side's liking, which I can never understand. So sometimes she kept asking too much on such trivial matter, for example, if I was criticized for my appearance and attitude, which can be overwhelming and self-conscious to me. Maybe she just forgot to separate her work and personal life and somehow viewed me as her student being sent to another class or a competition where I would be judged and she will be the one secondhandedly subject to these judgements. I don't know, but of all these relationships I've been through, no seemed to be "qualified" for a family meet up. As a result, my parents thought that I was single all the time, when my clock to 30 is ticking, and that lowkey (or highkey when I was not there) freaked them out. I can't help that but only keep pushing my boundaries clear.
Living in this era, under the current flow of geo-politics events in this world, has casted an inescapable shadow over me. I feel guilty I can't do more, and yet at the same time feel grateful at least I don't have to worry about a missile striking my residence one day. But people are dying and I'm just here crying because my job doesn't get the way I want, or because some stupid boys keep play mind-game with me. It's so fucking unfair. And it's also a pain to have the knowledge on such inequality and no power to change it. I may call that the shamefully helpless gratefulness. I grateful, but I can't help and that shames me. All I can think of is an nuclear outburst on earth, where countries with nuclear bombs set off them all and eradicate the whole earth. To this point, only a complete "factory reset" can fix this living hell people are in. I wonder how long humanity has left before its final breath? And how will we evolve, physically and mentally, in a world like this? Are we going to get dumber because our brains refuse to function much due to the spoon-fed AI inputs, or are we getting even more omniscient to outsmart AI? Idk.