I lost Water. There was this app that you can make friends by writing letters, and the letters take time to deliver, kind of like sending letters by post in real life. After a few months of using this app, there was this one girl. She reached out to me after reading through my profile. Her name was “Water”. She complimented the way I wrote my profile, she asked about my odd name, (I called myself “Od” in that app ), she kindly recommended a song that is connected to her emotion, it was the softest song I ever heard. She brightened my day. She was such a mysterious, interesting, and kind person.

Then I replied back immediately. Writing a letter back to her also levels up my day even more, I laugh while writing it, and I express all my excitement to write her first letter. I sent her a song with a long title goes like “I did not recommend you this song Water, Mr. Destiny recommended US this song”. She loved the title and the story behind it. She replied to my first letter in 2 days. It was a short one, and she missed a few of my questions, which kept me guessing things about her. And it was just like the first time, her letter brightened my day again. Then it took me 7 days to send her another letter, she always was the one who replied to my letter in 2 days, it always took me about 10 days or so.

We talk about each other dreams, and childhood memories, I share her stories about me, she makes me laugh so hard by bullying me all the time. We talk about our friends, we talk about how we think about a certain thing, we brighten each other day, we laugh in happiness, we wait for each other to respond. I was so blessed by life. She was the best pen pal I ever had.

She was a gift on my birthday, Her first ever letter was sent out on my birthday, October 20th, which i and the sender herself aren't even aware of. Isn’t it the best happy birthday gift ever? YES it is. How many people actually have got that kind of gift?

When it came to her birthday, November 8th, I sent her a gift, which is an adorable stamp set. It came with apologies for making her wait for 10 days long and my gratitude toward her. Then I got her “first long letter at 25” She put many things in that letter, she shared with me her real full Vietnamese name, her dream came true job, a slightly of what she has been through in her life. And if you don't know, it WASN’T EASY to get her to tell me that, she is a very, very smart girl, I surrendered to her in the war of “who shares first” (I started the war btw). What I want to say is she accepted me as a friend to share her life story. BUT I was not a smart person.

I lost my only friend because of my stupidity.

After her first long letter at 25, I did not reply for over a month. What is my excuse?. “I was busy”?. Oh GOSH, that is the phrase I hate the most when it comes out of people's mouths, now I am using it as an excuse for my carelessness, how comedic. I waited for today, December 23th to share with her what I have been through in a month. The story of the first time contest in a speech, first time joining a club, First time to have a plan for my future, First time I can say to myself that I finally had a dream, “I FOUND MY DREAM WATER” (i once told to her that “I dont have a dream but I believe that I had a giant, hidden dream that my level are not high enough to unlock”). I am living to the fullest, and I want to share that with her. I wanted to know more about her stories, I wanted to be a part of her life and make her happier. I wanted to say that “ I did not like the last song you recommended to me, try harder next time”. And I just wanted to say that “I miss our letter so much, I miss our conversation so damn much”.

And the moment I opened the app her name appeared paler than the other names, in just 0.1 second I think to myself “There is no way”, then I clicked her name, it displayed “user deactivated their account”. I desperately wished that it wasn't her account or that the app just had some kind of bug. But there is the reality. All happened in just a few seconds, I was shocked, sat there in my room, got stuck in regret, confusion, disappointment, sadness, wordlessness…I tried to think of all the ways i could find her, went on social media search for her name, but it was just impossible, wasn't it, I wanted to cry but “why?, why cry for someone that left me” a split second of selfish words, hopeless words, I soon sorted out and accepted what I did. I once heard a postcard about how we underestimate the effort of maintaining our closed-one’s love, I was like “Aww, so don't ever stop trying to earn closed-one’s love”, I didn't understand anything, I was not. I thought I and her had all the time in the world, I thought we were friends, so it’ll be fine to disappear for a month. That was the worst way of thinking. And as how much I am disrespectful to the saying, it slaps me the harder. That lesson now deepens into my soul more than ever. It was painful, but it again was a gift for me, a gift to warn me not to make the same mistake in the future. Well, what I just said is no more than an excuse to lighten the pain away.

She was my best pen pal ever, and I wanted to say, “I am sorry, I should have said I am busy, I'll contact you soon”. Hmm, I can't do anything about it now. It was way too late. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight, when all the memories, all the emotions that attach to every single word we exchange just are non-stopping running around my head. But after all, I have to move on with my life.

To Phan Ngọc Thủy “As Mr destiny brought us together in the first place, if it was all destined to be like that, if we were destined to be each other pen pal again, until then, I'll become the best, your best “Od””.