This is what comes to me today. Am I living my life or just living in the fantasy of my life? Am I truly living and experiencing my youth or just trying to get to the ideal youth that I am supposed to own in the future? Still, I am sitting here and thinking about it considerably while not really experiencing it. The post below frightens me when it comes to the moment I figure it out that I'm still searching for meaning of this meaningless life. I want to enjoy life and live in it but somehow, I can not really do anything in this current situation. Though I know that this Covid-19 pandemic is gonna end soon, it's still hard to keep up with the work while trying to get over those lonely moments of life. Basically, life is neutral and my life is, too. However, it’s a little bit boring, doesn't it?
At this moment, I'm feeling it deeply, the desire to have someone to hug. I wish to have someone that sleep next to me, naked. I want to feel her/his skin. I want to touch you and feel the smoothness of your skin. Then, should you be a woman or a man? Not pretty sure, but still, I want to see the darkest part of you and I’m gonna show you mine. Though I experienced this before, I was full of guilt and I can not feet it completely. If you are truly the one, will I feel it completely? Will this hole in my heart be filled by you? Am I too emotional and clingy to you? Oh then, I’m supposed to stop this as I don’t want to be so pathetic. Besides, I wonder if I am lonely that much, what the heck on earth that I can not accept love from others? Why can’t I have that kind of feeling for the one that my mind tells me to? Why am I still stupid that much to give care to the one that might never response? It’s hard to explain.

How can you miss someone you've never met?'Cause I need you now but I don't know you yet. But can you find me soon because I'm in my head? Yeah, I need you now but I don't know you yet. — (Idk you yet- Alexander 23)

I’m crying, pretty bad now. And I feel like I am seeing the most vulnerable of myself. I couldn’t help but keep on crying for no reason. Normally, I would have a lot in my mind to write down but now, everything in me is purely emotion and feelings and sometimes, it’s hard to explain. It looks like you need a way out but you simply don’t know where to head to, what direction you should take. You show your gut and be honest with someone but all you get back is humiliating. Hence, when it comes to the next one, it’s hard to trust. You’re afraid of telling your truth to important people in your life as you’re afraid that they might not accept you as the way you are. It’s damn hard to embrace the difference. When you know about sorrow, it’s time for you to grow up. Sometimes, all we need is a hug. Simply a hug. Life is already too harsh to hurt.
Anyway, maybe because the world from my point of view in this current situation is described that way, the world itself does not really need to be looked at that way. Perhaps, it is true that we see the world from our perspective, not from the truth world itself. It’s hard to be objective as sometimes, we just don’t realise that we are being subjective. Nevertheless, I wonder if knowing myself being subjective might help in the process of being more objective? Perhaps? Who knows for sure, right?
Bye, love u bae.
1.1.22