usefulness or happiness
The other day I came across this article about happiness and usefulness: The Purpose Of Life Is Not Happiness: It’s Usefulness...
The other day I came across this article about happiness and usefulness:
If you're looking for an inspirational article, then it's definitely for you. Stop here, skip whatever I wrote below and read it.
However, what I'm about to write here is NOT inspirational at all. Perhaps it would make you doubt even more. I just wanna share a little bit from my own experience. You should finish the article I mentioned above first, then come back here.
So, I'm pretty much like most of you, I've been searching for happiness for as long as I've been alive. I thought I got it some years ago, but then I lost it. Till this day, happiness is still a far-fetched thing for me. I do feel satisfied when I do things I like, but when I stop doing such things, I feel empty - perhaps a bit frustrated, too.
In the article, Darius Foroux said that happiness is just a by-product and the main purpose of life should be usefulness. If that's the case, then I think I've been pretty useful, you know. I've been trying to help others around me in any possible way, actively giving them a helping hand even if they don't ask for it. In some cases, to outsiders, it even looks like someone is taking advantage of me. And I'm fine with it, because I know I can help them and I just can't leave them like that. (if I were paid every time I help people, I'd have been pretty rich now, but then that wouldn't be "help" anymore, right?)
Those who got my help are usually thankful to me. Just usually, as sometimes they would forget about me in just 2-3 weeks. I just want them to be my friends and talk with me sometimes. I don't want to always be the one to bring up a conversation, it feels like I'd bother them too much. When things are peaceful and people have no problem, almost nobody would talk to me (except a few who truly appreciate my existence).
As I usually help out, many would assume that I have almost zero problem in life. Heck, they're so wrong. I have as many problems they have, and my problems are as serious as theirs. It's just because I'm a man of pride and ego that I wouldn't usually let anyone else know my problems - even the closest ones to me. So most of the time people would see me laughing and smiling.
It's hard for people to understand each other, so even if nobody can understand me, I don't blame others. But I feel sad and lonely when they don't even put effort in trying to understand me - they just assume that they know enough about me. And that makes me stressed severely, to the point I feel that I need to relieve sometimes. And so a few weeks ago, I got myself drunk and cried in front of a bunch of new acquaintances - just a few hours before that I was talking happily with them. Quite an embarrassing moment for me, but there was no other way to relieve the stress that built up within me.
I believe we are all fucked up somehow. It's just different from each other. Some are struggling to earn their living, others are struggling to find love, so on and so forth. Some find solutions and some find distractions. If you can find the much needed solution, then it's great. But if not, then distraction is your only choice most of the time. You won't be able to do anything if the problem occupies your brain 24/7, you need something else to push it away, to make yourself forget about it.
Even among many kinds of distraction, some are pretty "healthy" like computer games or other hobbies. The rest are... not so, like drug, sex, alcohol, etc. I've seen people - including myself - indulged in such things. They clearly understand that they are doing the wrong thing - but by doing the wrong thing, they could feel they are at their right mind, even if only for a moment. The satisfaction from their desire being fulfilled keeps their problems at bay and helps them move forward, even if it's just a little bit.
Back to myself. The more I'm trying to be useful, the more I feel like don't even live for myself. I feel lost, I don't know what I truly want. If I can't give myself what I want, then perhaps can I ask for it from others? But then I may risk losing the relationships I'm having with others as they may not want to give me, and there is no second try in life - once you fuck up, you lose it. And so to minimize risk, I try to know even more people, being even more useful to them, losing even more of my own life. And so this is an endless loop.
And so if "happiness is just a by-product and the main purpose of life should be usefulness", my life is so efficient that it makes no by-product.
I believe people don't even need to be "useful", "happy" or "understood", they just need to be "recognized" in some way, good or bad. Even Hitler was recognized greatly - in a bad way, yeah - I think.
After all, fuck life.

English Zone
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happysad
There are 2 kinds of happiness.
The first one is superficial happiness, which comes from external causes. It is the "feel good" moment, for example when you buy something new, a new phone, a new camera.... or when you are complimented by other people, when someone does something for you... But this kind of satisfaction only lasts for a short amount of time, soon enough we will need something else. The idea of always wanting more, more likes on facebook, more followers on instagram, more nice clothes, faster phones, more friends... is actually the reason that makes you unhappy. This kind of happiness is not a bad thing, when you can comprehend this: "what you have is what you need, and that is enough". If not, you will spend more time feeling unsatisfied than the actual time you feel happy.
The second one is profound happiness, the kind of happiness that comes from within. You have to know yourself to feel happy this way. And love is the absolute core of profound happiness. "Love loves it all, cause love has no fight". When you learn how to love yourself, love what you do, you will be able to love anything: other people, nature... For example if you feel connected or have a great passion for the job you're doing, you will be ten thousand times happier than the one that does his job only for money without any love for it. Because profound happiness comes from within, only you can decide you are happy or not. People often says: "my girlfriend hurts me", "he makes me sad"... That's not true. Actually it's you who make you feel hurt, the way you think and react to other people's behaviors is the reason makes you unhappy. When you know that you are the one to control your own happiness, you will not be affected as much by external factors. In order to have this kind of happiness, you must have piece of mind (thanh thản???) and a healthy body. This is a long-lasting kind of happiness, but it is easier said than done, so not everyone is able to achieve this in life, especially in the rush of modern time.
I want to share this piece of music with wonderful lyrics about life, love and letting go. It's been very inspirational, helping me get through hard time in life:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2ivIKuMr-Y
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Viet Anh Tran

Take my upvote please
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happysad
thanks bro :))
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loveless

Thanks for your comment. I'm aware of what you wrote there. Still, you know, the so-called "happiness from within" is so abstract and far-away that it's too hard to define. Or maybe I'm always overthinking.
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Huskywannafly

I feel like you struggle because keep trying to be something else, I mean, just reflect on who you are, what you want to do, and improve yourself. Improve yourself, don't try to fit your life into any frames or definition bro.
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loveless

Well, if I ever have any definite frame in my mind, it'd be better.
The thing is, I, as well as those who are like me, don't know what we want to become at all. We are definitely more talented than the average of the population, but we are not extraordinarily talented - we are not the best in any field. Combined with the usually not-so-normal personality, there is scarcely any place that people like us could perform our best.
It's really hard to be yourself when even yourself is shaped by others - what you learn, what you see or what you experience, it all comes from outside. After all, are you really sure that you will always remain the same till the moment you die? Even if I don't wanna change, I will still change subconsciously and I have no control over it.
The thing I'm afraid the most is hurting others around me. We are bound to hurt and to be hurt. Sometimes I wish people would forget me completely so that I can start clean again.
Thanks for your comment anyway.
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Viet Anh Tran

Happiness comes from within, bro.
Being usefeul makes me happy because I'm satisfied by my own usefulness. When you don't expect anything, live by your instincts and start saying "No" if needed, you'll find happiness.
People forget. Understand it and forgive them
Don't expect anything from anyone, I'm sure you'll be happier then.

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loveless

Thanks. Surely when I help people, I feel satisfied, but then if they don't need my help anymore, I'd feel lonely and worthless. That's the problem.
If the matter of saying yes or no was really that simple, I wouldn't have struggled this much. There are people who would get hurt, badly, if I say "no".
I already gave up any expectations I had long ago, even now I don't have any expectation of myself, nor I expect I will feel happy somehow in the future.
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Nguyên
From your words you seem lost. No one to understand you, no one to be with, no true friend. Useful or happy or sad or whatever you feel, it's always better to have someone to talk to, to share.
Being with others yet didn't feel like being there at all, people talked and laughed, we all talked and laughed, but afterward nothing, not a single word or any memory of those meetings were left. It's just day after day of meaningless events. There was a time I was empty like that. Then I found friends, those who stay for years, to whom I can say "I have something to tell you. (serious voice)" and they come and hear it out, to whom I also say "There is nothing going on, but I want to speak nonsense now." and they also come and hear it out. And I do the same to them. We are not really similar, but we feel connected.
I must say in some sense I'm selfish. I don't want to other people a favour or helping them when I know they don't need it or won't appreciate it (apply to human beings, all actions for Nature are amazing). I don't want them to do anything in return, just think it's a waste of my efforts to do something which are not actually needed. For example: once a girl in my class asked the guy next to me for the important notices (sth she actually could do by reading through all the materials provided), he gave it to her, she thanked him a lot, then she never looked at him again till the next exam came.
Anyhow, I am not giving advice here, just want to say something.
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loveless

It's good when you have such people close to you. I guess I'm the kind of "the guy next to me" in your story, haha.
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Gerard Do

We are all fucked up, one way or another, I learn this the hard way, and hey I feel better because of it. Why? Because Im not alone, I have been fortunate to learn from experience greatest people also have greatest fears, and thats ok. When you recognize you are not responsible for anyone's happiness, you are so freee, so freee that you stop giving a shit about what other think of you, and you have even more freedom.
Social reponsibility is a choice, you dont have to do it if you dont like it, however, self-love is a moral obligation, ignore it at your own perill!
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