(perfect - part 2) The reality

Part 3- mental health issues and suicidal thoughts

 Once I found a newspaper talking about me, then I was curious about what people think of me, and I asked my maid to bring it into my room. “Natalie Alexandra Troby – our “perfect princess” always act kind to everyone, even to her maid. She is always the therapist and psychologist of the palace. When someone tells her their problems, she will listen to them, understand their worries and give them advices- which are very useful. She always understands people and forgives all their mistakes. She is no longer a “perfect princess”, she is an angel. People won’t believe there is an angel until they meet her, she is truly an angel.” It was a small paragraph in the whole newspaper. I was so shock that I could barely say a word. But all of my maids told me that my people are very proud of their “perfect princess”, I could feel the heavy burden wags on my shoulder.

 “My highness, you see, everyone is very proud of you. There are plenty of newspaper talking about how perfect you are. The people are proud to be a citizen in your kingdom.” Hanna always told me that, it looked as if she was very proud of it. I could understand why she was so excited about that. But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t know why people flatter me too much. They said as if I was God. In reality, I’m just a pragmatic person, I will do whatever I can to achieve the target I wanted, and I will stop at nothing. I smiled impotently, there was nothing I could do except accept the fact and keep trying to be more perfect and do more than people’s expectations.

Time passed, I tried hard enough to make everything I did flawlessly, I’m really delighted with that. But being perfect is harder than I thought, I have to be careful till inches, everything has to be perfect so it can fit the “perfect princess” title. Little do I know that perfect is not perfect, I always try my best, I always do everything perfectly – flawlessly. But gradually, I realized it was too overwhelming for me. I always have to make sure that everything is faultless, I always have to see if people are please or not. I feel as if I were not the “perfect princess”, I am the “perfect mirror” that everyone can compare themselves with or a goal to achieve. The tiredness of being the “perfect princess” corrodes me every day, it feels as if the imperfection was seducing me.

And then, I got mental health issues—at first, I thought it was just stress from studying too much. So, I didn’t pay much attention to that. But without my notice, that tiredness tortures me every day. I didn’t get to meet the psychologist, so I don’t really know at that time if I really had mental health issues, but I believe that I do. The uncomfortable feelings from depression, anxiety, stress and bewilderment keep haunting me. Even right now, when I think about it, I’m still creepy. I got mental breakdown and panic attacks so often that I got used to it. You can’t understand the feeling when something you wanted so badly now turns into a nightmare. The “perfect princess” title that I dreamed about every night and think about it as a daydream every day now has become a devil that haunted me everywhere – no matter what I am doing. The perfection that everyone wanted including me, now has become overcontrol.

 At that time, I just want to quit everything – the “perfect princess” title, the responsibility for the citizen, the future queen crown. I just want to live a peaceful life as a normal person, but I knew that would never happen. Everyone talks about me like a God and how I got treated as if a God, but no, my every day is like hell. I can’t share my feelings and be concerned with anyone because I am the “perfect princess", and a truly “perfect princess” won’t have anything to be worried about. Even though I got hurt a lot, I am not able to show it out, I have to be perfect, I have to smile brightly to make my people feel safe and happy.

And do you remember when I asked for people’s feelings to collect information? I’ve done that so often that people think that it is my responsibility to care for their preoccupations and problems. They keep come to my office to talk about their issues. Little do they know that I have a lot of things to worried about and little do they know, their problems are nothing compared to my burden, responsibility and all of my mental health issues. Even though I can’t even understand myself and my problems, even when I can’t figure out a way to stop getting a mental breakdown and panic attack, I still have to solve other people issues. I still have to feel how they feels, I still have to know their feelings and give them the warmest advice. I still have to comfort them down even when I can’t even comfort myself and my mental health is keep getting worst and worst. I felt that I was so fake, I got hurt, but I still smile brightly. I’m having things to worry about in my mind, but I still tell other people that I’m fine. I’m having an anxiety disorder, but I still solve other’s problems and told them that it’s alright, it’s be okay, but deep down inside, I can’t even say that to myself because I knew that it wouldn't be alright.

Days passes, I still have to live with mental health problems but this time, and other issues. That is the time, I knew about suicide and the death. I didn’t really remember how I knew about it but, when I first knew about it. It was just like a knowledge for me, but slowly, I got obsessed with it. It slowly, a little by little, change my mind and it turns me into an addict for it. From my point of view, death isn’t as people usually said, death is like a salvation to me. It will release me from this hell on Earth, this “perfect princess” title, and all of my responsibility for my people. The death and suicidal thoughts keep messing with my head, it keeps seducing me.

And the biggest problem is I don’t want to fight it. To me, it is like a back button, it will release me from all issues, and it will fix all of that. It likes a drug, a tranquilizer, medicine to free me from all of the mess that I create. Death is like a real friend to me, it won’t leave me no matter what, it will always be by my side. When I did something wrong, it told me to just die, and it will fix all of that. Do you see? How wonderful it is when you always have the last solution – which is the best one. I hope that you can feel how I felt. I know it is hard to understand an addict suicide person like me, but it is really great when I always have a fix, and I will not worry about making mistakes anymore. At first, it is just a backup choice, but little by little, it became something I have to achieve.

Not because I just wanted to die. But because everything is so overwhelming, I just can’t live for one more second. So, I started to learn about the death and suicide, for me, learning about those things is like a way to hide from all the problems and responsibility. The death and suicide are like a seductive to me, it gave me peace of mind. Just thinking about it can made me calmer in any situations, it like an addictive substance that I have got too addicted. I can say that to me, it likes a treasure that I don’t want to let anyone knows about it, it like a lucky charm to me. It helped me in everything, I felt like I just fell in love with the death. I knew it’s crazy but at that time, I like a dumb person who is blinded by the death. Suicide to me is like a lifebuoy to someone’s who is about to drown. I just hold it tight, wishing it won’t leave me behind but didn’t knew how hurt I would feel if I keep holding it that tight. Thinking and dreaming about the death is like a temporary tranquilizer, you will soon get too addicted to it that you want it to be your own and it will be with you forever. Me too, the more I knew about suicidal and the dead, the more I want to achieve it. But I’m scared of getting hurt, I want to die in the most painless lightest and fastest way. Do you know the gleeful feeling when you can a way to achieve what you want and do the thing you like at the same time? Yes, that is the feeling that I have during the time I search for way to die. It looks like Satan and the devil is enchanting me, the death keeps seducing me, it keeps telling me to come. And I got so obsessed and addicted to it that I can’t live a single day without it. For me, die is the only way to get rid if this hell on earth. (To be continued)