After failing the first time, I started to ask myself “Why do I want to go?”. Which is weird, I should have prepared this for the first interview. I wasn’t overconfident about getting smoothly through the interview but I was worried and stressed out about unimportant things so I wasn’t fully prepared for the thing I actually should’ve been worried about. Maybe this is truly just a consolation note for myself (so plz excuse my poor English writing skill). But seriously, after also getting past the “my life is a shit hole” complaining and crying phase, I started to see things a bit clearer myself. Now I can actually get my own real reasons why I would like to go instead of staying or going somewhere else even I’d probably still have to use a bit of typical answers from all the tips I’ve been reading if ever being asked for the next interview though.
I guess nobody likes having to face difficulties in life but somehow at some point in our lives especially when we’re young, eager to learn and grow, we’re wired for struggle and hard things. And sometimes, living in paradox means we can be kind and fierce, we can be free and still focused. We realize that we can have soft hearts that are brave hearts.
I also believe in questions make space for themselves in our lives whether we like it or not. But when we welcome them as guests, questions can tell us stories of human experience we might have never heard of before. We can see that the grey between black and white is in fact less grey and more technicolor. That life is in fact in so many shades of true. Perhaps questions not answers are truly our best guides in this incredibly short life of ours. There are years of questioning and there are years of answering.
Yesterday Lin taught me how to write my last name in Chinese and it actually means forest. I realised it makes perfect sense as I am in love with nature. With mountains and forest. So when I take a look at exchange school’s list, Utah was obviously caught my attention. I knew next to nothing about Utah except for its stunning beauty in the middle of nowhere not until Whitney told me I have to be careful if someone ever asks me about my religion there and then Luke told me about Mormonism. Call me weird, I know its notorious but I am willing to experience it myself. “We’re all stories in the end” - Doctor Who once said. I love the idea of sharing my life stories to whoever willing to listen.
Fynn was kind enough to accept my request on Couchsurfing to stay at his place for one night in Erfurt the day I came back late from Berlin. Its definitely one of the days I reach my lowest points in life but the first moment I saw him and his flatmates were waiting for me, I felt a weird immediate warmth and welcome. Of course, I had to mention the worst visa interview ever. It leads to Fynn sharing one of his beliefs in life is humans are humans so everyone should have the right to be anywhere they want on this planet Earth and the story of his aunt. Long time ago, she saw a man selling a carpet in Berlin - he was an immigrant from Iraq. Maybe Fynn could possibly leave out some small details but the important part was out of nowhere, his aunt said to the man “Do you want to marry me?” because she couldn’t stand witnessing him could not have the same rights as her because he wasn’t a German citizen. So Fynn told me if I ever feel like I fail the visa anywhere because of my passport, I could consider marrying him, get a German passport and we will get divorce after 2 years. And the worst thing I can do to him is taking half of his mountain bike - the most precious asset he owns lol. Even our interaction was super short, meeting Fynn is exactly the kind of encounters I am looking for in life. Well, plus, the only reason he accepted my request was because of my possibly longest message just to show my love and passion for The Secret Life of Walter Mitty lol.
While chasing the light, I’ve met some very special human beings on the way. It is such a wondrous journey as we allow the situations to unfold as we surrender ourselves to the moment and watch the universe put random people in our path. If you ever find those special humans, enjoy every second as life only seems to be going a bit faster.
Isn’t it the beauty of life?
The things we love, the places we inhabit, the people who’ve inspired us.
So it’s okay sometimes to be tired. We are not lost. We are just somewhere that is still expanding beneath us. Though it might take some practice to balance, it won’t be long before a new horizon opens in front of us. Reminds us that fresh air is out there, not at all far off now.