I don't dare face those tough things. If I were given a wish, I would definitely choose to live in those I-myself-suppose-to-be the good old days. I feel like the upcoming days are tough and I'm not gonna make it. I can't do it. Such a loser.

Ever since I chose to go on this path, I've never had a single happy day in my life. It's not that all of them are gloomy days. There were times that I felt such peace and joyfulness in my heart. But "they" are still there like a hard and heavy rock in my mind. I can't get rid of them. Those thougts haunt me day by day, I guess. I might've been able to ignore them sometime but then they wouldn't disappear. I can't give up on those thoughts. When I'm down, they would rise up so strong and burst into tears. Fortunately, it's become a little bit better these day. But I don't know when they will come back. 

I think a lot. Surely I'm a thinker. I've always repressed how I feel and think. Tonight, I write this down cause there's something has been stirring up in me these day. It's kind of related to my feelings deep down there. And then a whole of those thoughts aslo pop up in my mind. I can't help but thinking about this. 

22/05/2020