When I didn’t ever love anyone in the past that someone took a step forward, I always wanted to take a step backward. Loneliness isn’t such a big matter or terrible thing that everyone always keep trying to get rid of it. I was afraid of temporary love. So fearful that the day someone truly appeared but I was stuck in another relationship and wanted neither to let go of the old man nor miss the new one. I was scared that I would die in grief due to killing a real love before it was called a love.
Then one day he really came. There was no guarantee this person was exactly who I expected, but there was a sense of urgency that I didn’t want to miss him. I stepped into the one sided love and felt satisfied and peaceful. But I wasn't wholehearted with him. I loved him a little bit and keep my own love for me, because I was afraid. I was afraid and I let him go.
I return to my old place and it's not too hurtful but only regretted. I'm still healthy and still living well. Sky is still blue, clouds are beautiful and trees behind the house are still singing when I see and listen to it. Life does not really change or lost anything that there’s someone’s coming and leaving in such a short time like that. And I stop waiting as well. Waiting only makes time wasted.
I just can’t move on to anywhere. Finding or being open with anyone is not easy. I don’t wait for him, but, but only, I am afraid that he’ll return. I don’t wait for him. But if he return, I will still be myself like that. I will love him more, love also for yesterday and the whole time away from each other. If I open my heart to someone else then he come back to me, I won’t know anything to do. Love is never a game for me, and I have no choice. The sadness of my loved one is my sadness, I have no right to make a choice.
It’s not so painful or sad and I just all apprehend that I will regret. Unless hoping for a new start is occurred, I won’t be seem to get out of this issue. It is the time to fly away and I have no idea why I still stay here like that. Maybe I need more time.
I’m not able to choose anyway.