People often praise that love can cure and heal anything. Surely there are countless stories about how love has done miracles.
But he knows, love can never fix this faulty heart of him.
It's not because he's never been in love - it's exactly because he'd experienced how it is to love and be loved that he knows for sure he can't love anyone.
He remembers clearly the first and the only time he was truly in love - there was a burning desire to see her, embrace her, kiss her. Love was wild, young and free. It was the most wonderful time in his entire life, so wonderful that for a while, he forgot all the misfortunes and failures he'd been through and seriously cherished the present. He thought they were the perfect couple and love could last forever, like every naive and innocent person would do when they fall in love for the first time. But that was also the last time he truly fell in love.
Love is the forbidden fruit, one bite and he would crave it forever. He tried to fill the void in his heart. He looked into other girls to find the missing piece. He hoped he could, at least, have some of those feelings back. After all, he couldn't forget the warmth, the sweetness of love.
And he did find some girls. The beginning worked out nicely most of the time. But then, when the only thing left to set a new relationship in motion was to say "I love you", he stopped. He felt so wrong with the word "love". Did he actually love that girl? Or did he just want to do all kinds of intimate acts with her? He wasn't even sure of himself. So he took the safe way out. He couldn't afford to risk, especially when others were involved. He knew he couldn't let his selfish desire - his inner self - defeat his upheld righteousness.
But he was in no way a strong person. Those girls that he shook his head in denial eventually became out of his reach again. Regret started to build up inside him. His own righteousness gradually fell apart. His mind became darkened and twisted. And so he decided to discard the very own rules he'd set up. He was ready to present himself to any available opportunity, even if it meant he had to take advantage of others.
Once he was invited to a party and bumped into a girl. He hardly knew anything about her except her name. For some reason, she tried to get him drunk, however, she was the one who fell first. So after the party, he took her back.
When they got back, suddenly she pulled him closer and kissed him. And he didn't push her away but responded in kind, kissing her back and holding her tight. It felt surprisingly good and refreshing, as he thought to himself - that was what he'd been looking for. All was within his calculation. Not stopping just yet, she proceeded to undress him, and he did the same to her. He could sense the smell of her perfume and her body mixed with a lingering trace of alcohol. Eventually, they had what they came for, they were completely satisfied - for him, that was probably the best experience he'd ever had for a while; for her, she even joked that she might fell in love with him. They stayed together for some more time, like true lovers.
But there was no love - no "I love you", no promise, no expectation. They lived for just the moment. They found the thing they'd been looking for and accepted the deal. They knew too well they belonged to different worlds, what pulled them together might just be some coincidence or pure curiosity. They hung out together occasionally, doing the things they desired until one of them found a new, better place for their heart - and it was her. And then the next day, they were just acquaintances again, enough to say "hi" and a couple of words when they bumped into each other. They would be like nothing happened. That was the best for both of them. If anything, maybe he felt just a little bit sad and regretful.
In the end, he was left and back to square one, again.
He knows he probably doesn't deserve the feelings of other people. "Please don't love me" - that is the line he keeps telling himself. He'd try to put some distance between himself and others. But time and time again, he'd fail himself, throw away his own righteousness just to cling to the warmth and sweetness of love, even if just one more second. Then after that, he'd be haunted by his own actions, his mind would be filled with regret and bitterness.
Maybe he is already broken down, as a human. Sometimes he wishes he could just disappear from this world, or vanish from others' memory.
And so the end of one story is just the beginning of another. When will he finally find a stop? Nobody knows - not even himself.