Một bài viết nhỏ ngay sau lúc mình đọc "Kokoro" của tác gia Natsume Soseki vào 2 năm trước. Khoảng thời gian bản thân vẫn còn boăn khoăn lưu luyến những mảnh vụn cảm xúc. Lập lờ những mối quan hệ, do dự trước những cánh cửa.

So, Who might be K? 
_a non-protagonist character I’d come across while reading a Meji-era novel. _ Since when you started to read those you reffered as “favourite grandpa’s bedtime story” or “developing an unsuitable psychophysiology at our age” ? _It was by accident... What is so special about this guy?
_He is like my incomplete doppelganger.
    This guy, K, settled in a fictional novel named Kokoro of Natsume Soseki, the Charles Dickens of Japan. K was the best friend's protagonist, besides, there was no one whom he could make company with due to his characteristics.

A heathen of modern world   

    He was born in a religious family, his father was a priest of the Shinshu sect. You may think that it was the family’s religious brought-up kids method that counted to turn K into  a wannabe-priest. Yes, it did develop his distress lifestyle as a kid, but that’s not the whole problem. His family was prosperous thanked to donated money of  heavenly-minded believer. Thus, they didn’t have to practice zen properly. At the very early age, K seemed to have realized his true ego, the one belonged to “the true way”
“At any rate, it seems to me that he had more of a priest in him than the average priest...”
   Family’s expectation had long been a thorn to the yearning of youngsters. K was no exception. His family wanted him to be a doctor, an occupation that was highly appreciated no matter which centuries it was. But, K’s stubbornness  was too high, he came to Tokyo resolved to never become a doctor. Although, his family was furious about K’s disobedient decision, and having failed their expectation ruthlessly, K did nothing but to keep chasing his target. Even if his family refused to give financial aid, and abandoned him, he did not give a damm care. K did everything for a living just to keep his food and books on the table. 
“It would be a disgrace to him as a grown man not to be able to solve his own problems by himself ...”
   A man with no one to made company with except the vague protagonist. A soul so hollow that no human could bear any understanding about. It’s like he's against the whole human’s society. That’s why he put on a so called Sub-Zero mask to hide himselft among his own kind.    
      I feel this man. At least, he still has his own “true way” to follow. I am not a black sheep of the family like him but conflicts between my parents and me still happen. There used to be a time my parents force me to follow their path, not mine. At first, I was totally convinced about what they said, then comfort myself with nothing but neglectfulness. After months of playing hooky, spending time at internet shop, my path had been discovered, I choose to follow my major the hardest way. However, my interest and inspiration are now fading drastically. Unlike the freshman year when every little things made you feel horny af, this senior year is tragical to me. Just when my hype for studying is lighted up a bit, after a moment, it disappears for good. There must be something that...even if it is just some vaporous illusions...
“This kind of shot comes once.
Another opportunity of a lifetime just slipped away
And that's the fifth this month but when you take a punch
Don't you ever forget
Why you get up and you put one foot in front of the next ...” 
- Hey, Asshole - Watsky (mình rec bài này cho mọi người đang cảm thấy chán đời như mình, giờ thì đỡ hơn ròi)

A traitor of his own belief or A desperate lover

      What the world would be without love? -An oblivion with thousands of hollow souls.
     K lost his mom when he was a kid. Having practiced zen since a very young age made K forgot what love felt like and its definition. Undoubtedly, he kept a long distance with any women he met and showed them no respect. You know what, those who never heard of what love and being loved really was were the one wanted to tried it the most. Especially, K had never tasted that bittersweet emotions, which is why he fell for that Okusan immediately. A girl so sweet that enjoyed talking with a tame and rude man like him. Her cares so touching that he could not resist. The taste of first crush was rather natural and innocent. Love did change human. To him, his hollow soul had been treated with the one and only goddess, all of his studying and target had been canceled due to his mental distraction. At a last resort, K decided to end his life, to end his misery, his loneliness for eternity.
    K guy probably got severe depression because he try too hard to follow his "true way" all by himself, having no support from family,relatives or anyone except his only best friend. He held the same belief as many old ascetics (e.g those who would go sit under some waterfall and don't eat anything for days...), that the true form of a human being lies in the spiritual aspect rather than physical one, that his "true way" would involve finding way to escape from his physical body to reach its primitive and true form, spiritual form. 
He lived an austere life, working himself to death, sabotaging his own body and health for the sake of fulfilling his purpose, while keeping an unwavering mindset and going forward. But eventually, he was already too desperate and was on the verge of giving up everything at some point prior to meeting Ojousan. When he met Ojousan and fell for her, he decided that she was the salvation to his miserable and painful life. But the MC's proposal to Ojousan and their predetermined marriage was the final blow to K's only reason for clinging to life, which then lead him to end it all for good. He didn't blame the MC but only blamed himself for his neglect in training and his failing to reach his ideal goal
Love was toxic, wasn’t it?
“Love torments our feeling, but it is no sin, young man”
P/s: All love stories are frustration stories. 
To fall in love is to be reminded of a frustration that you didn't know you had. In my case, that frustration means the longing for my missing part. Oddly, that maybe I keep waiting for someone but do not have the foggiest idea of who they might be, or many girls had passed my life, and none of them had stayed. I usually fell for someone when I felt hollow inside the most, and I would be when i met the person i want. Although, we are just perfect strangers, through former experiences, i may recognize them with certainty. But, Karma still come, sinner will pay. Maybe that's the reason I failed many times and again.