Honestly, I just want to thank you, 2019, you have taught me so much. The Big Lesson that I have learned during "the time of crisis" is that negativity is as necessary as positivity. If we don’t accept it as a part of our life or in other words: learn how to deal with our own demon, we can never grow.

"I do believe in the old saying "What does not kill you makes you stronger. Our experiences, good and bad, make us who we are. By overcoming difficulties, we gain strength and maturity" 
Angelina Jolie - American Actress & Humanitarian
Over the past few months, my life has been completely upside-down. I’ve been in trouble with my mental illness which I thought could never happen to me (again). It occurred once before when I was 19 but back then, I didn’t pay attention enough about the symptoms and take it damn seriously.
When I stop ignoring the symptoms, I started to look at the facts: I’m skinny, I couldn’t eat, I had insomnia, I feel stressed every day, I have felt so disappointed about myself, I started to lose control of everything, I worried about the thing that even might never happen, my thoughts toward the future more than what was happening and I tended to take “requests” from others without my conscious. It was one thing bad lead to others.
For example, I tended to help the other to do the things that they can do it by themselves; I felt like an outsider in every conversation I had; I only commute just to feel less lonely. I don’t feel comfortable being alone by myself, not entirely like I thought. My mom even told me to take a break at college to stay home to get rest and start taking sleeping pills and guess what... I did it without hesitation. I ignored the fact that I only take the pills so my mom doesn’t have to worry like hell about me, I did not consider the affection of the pills. I have never been devastated like that before.
So, I had a misconception between helping people and letting other people use me for their own needs. And then, when I hit the rock bottom, I realized that listen to others for any kind of purpose with the absence of my judgment or in other words: Not listen and taking seriously my own needs damn enough is the worst kind of self-harm.
Fortunately, things didn’t get out of hand, although it had left some relationship scars to my personal life. All the breaks up are bad, no one can deny that. But instead of feeling regret for what happened in the past, we can learn from it. No one but yourself, not even your friends, not even your family have to take the responsibilities for your emotional-needs. Unless you hire people whom you have never met like the Japanese.
We have to save our ass before even think of saving anybody else. Just think about it, if you are on a boat with 20 adults including children and suddenly the boat crashes by hitting a giant rock, who are you gonna save? Who would you think of in the first place? If it’s not your ass first then god bless you...
People can be mean to you and take advantage of you, I used to think of myself as a defensive person and I only see myself that way. We all can be loved and to be vulnerable by the one we loved too. No one is ever perfect. We’re only human. Humans are imperfect.
2020, whatsapp danger.