A daughter who has given up on reconciling with her mother

Mom’s been saying no less than 10 times that “You’re free to make your own decisions, so don’t come crying to me if things go haywire, I’ve already given you my counsel”, which is naturally followed by “You don't have to take care of me when I'm old, I will go to a nursing home myself”. I even thought of responding with: “That's not your choice. You will have to go to a nursing home because none of your kids will want to live with you”, which is downright cruel, so it won't escape my mouth, ever. I’m very much detached from her, physically and mentally, but it still breaks me a bit whenever she says “Don’t come home crying to me, it’s your choice”. And no, she doesn’t say this in a passive-aggressive or truly aggressive manner, just pure indifference. I don't think I can ever do that to any of my loved ones - my friends, or my chosen family. I told a friend I always want to be there for them, and in the event that they get into any kind of trouble they can come to my place. While I can’t guarantee to offer them financial aid, at least they'll have a roof over their head. I will welcome them despite any kind of trouble. An unexpected pregnancy is the worst that can come to my mind, but whatever it is, I won't blame them. I don't take contraceptives for granted. As well as their rationality. People mess up. That's why a family is supposed to be a warm shelter for me. I know I can come to mom for shelter and money even, but there’s no warmth. I will take my friend’s tiny studio with disorganized trash bags on the floor and the smell of cat urine in the air for shelter over mom’s loveless apartment every single day. 

I suppose mom is somewhat afraid of a mother's responsibilities. She remarried and thus is willing to fulfill the expectations of the wife of the firstborn son of her husband’s family. She conforms to the conventional role of a wife and a woman but doesn't seem as willing to do what Vietnamese society expects a mother to. She has been spending proportionately more time with her work and social circles than at home with her children. I never felt I could be compared with any of those adults in her life. She's flawless in the eyes of her colleagues, students, friends, and relatives, so who on earth could possibly believe us if we say “She is a loveless mother”? This is just one example: she declared that she wouldn't be taking care of my kids in the future and would just gonna be all chillax in her old age. I didn't expect it, didn't ask about it, and have never thought of nor mentioned it, she just likes to put it out there. But when I was still with my ex-boyfriend, whom she very much approves of, she said if we had kids she would look after them for us. Again, I didn't expect nor ask about it, she just spontaneously put it out there again. Certainly, anyone with the slightest capacity for reasoning can easily deduce that my ex-boyfriend is the reason why she’d like to babysit our kids. And so my friend made a joke: “Then if he marries someone else she's gonna come to his house and babysit his kids huh”. It was gold. Afterward, she said she was kidding but, we all know there was some truth in there. 

What kind of a daughter am I? The firstborn kind. The stubborn and selfish kind. I've come to pity myself for not having a bond with my mother. Since I do well at school, I'm mature, I'm independent, she doesn't need to pay attention to me. I'm a daughter without a mother's care. Not a unique story at all, but has anyone spoken up about how that affects your life as a girl, or have we all developed an avoidant attachment to our mother and accepted that the relationship is just not worth our effort to ponder upon? So I decided to speak about the consequences thereof.  

I became petty with a classmate in middle school after hanging out at her place and saw how tight-knit she and her mother were. My classmate was a whore. She was always hanging around the boys in class. I thought she was shallow. Now, that was projecting. I liked to play with boys, but no one liked to hang with me as much as her. Ergo, I resented her. And simultaneously, was jealous of her. Why does she have everything that I want but can't have? 

It's terrible, let me tell you. Not being able to depend on my mother, I was to turn to my other guardian, dad. Who would, in their right mind, want to love a man who is cold, distant, prone to silent treatment, and abusive when drunk? No one but the daughter who lacks the physical presence, care, and attention of her mother. All the father needed to do was to be present, even if he did next to nothing. I never stood up to protect her, not even once, according to her, while our neighbor's child did. Was it because we don't have a bond, or because I’m a cold-hearted person, or, child? Did I love dad more than her? Do these reasons matter? The fact that I never protected her from dad is already imprinted in her heart, there is no use rationalizing this.  

We are on speaking terms, but it’s not like we have anything to talk about. I used to blame her a lot for not investing sufficient time and effort in her kids, which by the way isn’t me asking for my privileges but rather for my younger brother who’s living with her, and she would 9 out of 10 times respond “But you guys are all grown up and should be taking care of yourself, how am I to always be around you?” and the other 1 time is “Why don't you go blaming your father as well?” For this one, simply put, we don't desire his time, at least not as much as hers. That's why I have ceased to bring that topic up ever again, and also vowed to give up on investing my effort to reconcile with her. Won’t do me anything except give me burnout. This part of her reminds me of my ex. Once or twice I complained about how “We always find it hard to put up with each other, anything the other says can trigger us!” and he replied “You can’t expect it to always be all rainbows and unicorns” and I, too, had exhausted myself having to explain “We don’t need to always be lovey-dovey, it’s a spectrum and thus we should work our ways towards the rainbows and unicorns end, so you saying we can’t reach that end is not helping”. Thank goodness we parted ways. There's no helping that we would one way or another run into a partner that resembles our parent(s), and if we used to, or still, put up with them we will be likely to repeat this attitude towards the partner who shares their traits. 

Mom thinks one of my flaws is how I rarely show affection towards her family side, which she thinks is a trait of dad’s family side where people are generally less affectionate towards one another. I used to think it a defect too, until I learned I can normally and healthily love other people, just not her relatives. I simply don’t feel much of a connection towards them, which might partly be because she and I don't share a bond. I'm still on good terms with certain relatives, just not most of them. I wasn't taught how to love and given love until I was 19, as expected from such a household. There's no asking a child to love anyone, the only thing to do is to love them. 

I was born again at the age of 19 and this time, with love. This pseudo-reincarnation has cast a mist all over my previous life. I have forgotten certain events, certain highs and lows. I have become more lenient, more tolerant, and patient towards everyone. I have been showing a considerably good attitude towards mom, but it doesn't mean I can come to love her. And I'm fine with that. My loved ones are fine with that. Now all there is before me is to lead a fairly happy life with occasional episodes of bitterness from the fact that I am a daughter without a bond with her mother. 

And as I told my Singaporean friend, who is now my boyfriend, "Some time ago I sent you this manga All my darling daughters, which tells the stories of several women whose lives were interwoven with each other. So in this family, the mother said ‘I won't cry if my mom passes away’, and some time later the daughter said ‘I'll cry wholeheartedly at your funeral, mom’; and I realized, it might be inevitable that I will become like the mother who won't cry when her mom's dead, but I'll also strive to become like the mother whose daughter will bawl her eyes out at her funeral”, to which he kindly replied: “What kind of a mother will you be, I wonder..”, just like how the mother’s spouse in that story said about her: “It’s too bad she doesn’t like her own mother, but it’s not that big a deal. I’m always on [her] side” with a lighthearted smile.

Here's the link to my Vietnamese translation of the work if anyone's keen.