These days, the fears sometimes found their way back in. And once again, I found myself trembling with the thought that they might be right. That I am really not enough. That I am just being pig-headed and fail to recognise my own weaknesses. That I will never be happy without compromising as they want me to.
Many a time, I felt like falling to my knees and just giving up already. Maybe I'm not that strong, not that prideful. Those fears, those anxieties, that sense of loneliness, they seemed overwhelmingly powerful and could easily wash me over, pushing me down to that deep deep darkest pit.
Then, I would learn to inhale and exhale, some deep breath. To embrace myself into an imaginary cocoon, like a baby inside a warm and secure womb. I close my eyes and take myself to that place. Where I could have a healing conversation with my older and wiser self.
Sometimes that wiser self is in the form of a thirty-year-old woman. This time, that wiser self is a 70-year-old woman. A woman, I imagine, with grey hair and exudes a very composed and dignified aura. But also, very understanding and loving.
She would hold me gently in her arms, wipe my tears and pat me on head saying "Dear, I know it's hard. I can see your pain and desperation. I know those feelings, and it's okay to feel those feelings. They are legitimate in every right, but they are not permanent. They, too, will pass."
With a soothing voice, she continues "Remember you have a long life ahead of you. These things will be nothing compared to that. You may feel overwhelmed and stuck for now, but you can get over it. Many beautiful things await you in your future. So trust your inner strength, take some deep breaths and move on. What will be will be. Learn to let go and keep yourself afloat. Everything gonna be alright."
Through these conversations, that self's warm energy and wisdom always help me heal and stabilize incredibly. Just by being heard and acknowledged, I could feel the pain inside becoming more bearable bit by bit. And it's easier to breathe.
I am sure in the future I will still have these moments when I feel so down, so weak. But at least now I'm relieved that I always have a place to come to, a person to lean on in those moments, and that person is no other than myself.
It's not an easy choice, to lean on yourself but not somebody else. But in the long run, I believe it will be helpful, not only for myself as once I can be firm and stable on my own, I will be better equipped to be there for others as well.
For now, I will continue to seek solace from within, until the day I can be the solace for those around me.